Validation
From Ladder Wiki
To validate someone is to show approval of them, or to demonstrate their value for them. A confident person does not need someone else to tell them, "you have value." A confident person values himself, and can demonstrate his own value (by actions, not bragging). This is an important concept to grasp, because it's very subtle, but VERY KEY to maintaining self-confidence.
For instance, many people get lonely. Many people want sex. Many people can only satiate this lonely need if they have sex with people, preferably often. What this really shows is that a lonely person cannot feel complete by themself, something about them demands that value be given to them by someone else consenting to give their body to the lonely person. The lonely person feels as though he or she is worthless if someone else isn't giving him or her sex.
Now of course, many lonely people will deny this, their conscious mind has blocked this out, but it IS the case if they are depressed about being alone. It is because they feel a lack of value for themselves, and want someone else to give it to them, rather than find their personal value in some other aspect of their character that they could control. What makes loneliness so dangerous is the fact that the only way to beat it requires input from someone else. This is validation.
It doesn't even need to be sex, it can be anything. Such as a father who never compliments his son on anything, actually congratulating him on getting a good job. Given, the son may have been fine and confident with himself beforehand, but may feel much better after finally getting his father's acknowledgement, his father demonstrating that he values his son and his accomplishments, and in this case it could be viewed as validation.
Likewise, a desperate IW continually seeks validation through his IP. He's always looking for any sign that she might like him, or approve of him, or want him. Because he desperately wants to be wanted by her. This is the basis of his self-worth and his own value. He takes her slightest "Aww, you're a good guy" as the world to him and gets his hopes up. She's given him a scrap of validation, but he's blown it up to mean his whole value of himself. This is very dangerous, and the mark of a clingy, needy, desperate person, which is a completely turn-off to any girl.
So part of gaining self-confidence is not to be seeking validation from anyone.
Likewise, a part of attracting another person is to give them validation, but not constantly. This is why teasing works so well to attract a woman, is because you're immediately de-valuing them in a joking way (since insulting would simply be pissing them off), creating a void of validation in them.
Her: "I'm 18. So how old are you?"
Him: "You might be a little too young to hang out with a mature guy like me. We can't be friends anymore." >_n
Her: "HOW OLD are you?!"
Him: "20."
Her: "Oh that isn't that old..."
Then later in the conversation, when you genuinely, not kidding, give them some validation, they feel like they've earned it from you and begin to develop a small bond to you. Because the fact is, everyone appreciates being validated, and if you can make the girl feel good emotions through this technique, then she will associate feeling good about herself with being around you.
Her: "...and I just don't do stuff like that anymore."
Him: "Well you sound pretty grown up...!" n_n
Make sure the validation is always being sought on her part, and given to her in small doses, spaced apart. Enjoy the free validation you get from her, but never seek it.
