Self-Confidence, Insecurities, and the Value of Your Own Life - by RedSeraph
From Ladder Wiki
Every experience in life that you have, and how it makes you feel, is a direct result of your perspective on life.
Let this sink in for a second, in fact, re-read that line, and stare at the ceiling thinking about it for 30 seconds.
Every experience you have and how it makes you feel is a direct result of your perspective on life.
YOU are the one who controls your perspective. No one else can change that. Unless you let them. No advice given on this forum will help you, unless you let it. Unless you absorb it. If you see something that doesn't sound right to you from your perspective, you're going to reject it. Right? Sounds like real life, right? If someone gives you advice that makes sense to you from your current perspective, you might absorb it and change a little. Yes?
What I'm saying is, advice isn't going to help you. But changing your perspective on life, will. And you're the only one who can do that, not us. Think deeper.
For example, let's say you were single. Let's say you'd been single for a year or so, and the girlfriend factor just isn't there. And you go to a bar hoping to meet some cool new girl, and hopefully take her home. You get to the bar, you talk to some new girl, she turns out awesome, but then isn't too interested in you, doesn't give you her number. You come home sad.
Let's look at the events here, with the emotions thrown out:
- Was single
- Went to bar
- Talked to cool chick
- Came home alone
But now, let's say you go to the bar with intentions of having some beers and just kickin' it. Listening to some music, talking to some friends, throwing some darts. You go in, you have some drinks, you meet a cool chick, she's fun to talk to, you think she's awesome, you say you should hang out sometime, she turns you down and goes home. You hang with your friends some more, go home alone, no crying. What just happened?
- You were single
- Went to a bar
- Talked to a cool chick
- Came home alone
But this time, not sad. Why? Your perspective on how your night was gonna go did not involve some chick being interested in you when you set out. Your self-validation did not hinge on that aspect, and even though the end result was the same, you come home significantly happier.
What you need to do is find a point of view such that however your life is going, it's seen from a perspective that your life is all right. You will not be able to convince yourself, with your current perspective, that your life is fine.
This is a subtle point I'm trying to get across, because it seems like you're already sitting there convincing yourself, "My life is good...! I have a job! My girlfriend's pretty damn cool!" But it seems like you're... well, doing just that. Convincing yourself. Or more accurately, squeezing these observations through the lens of your current perspective, and trying to make them fit so that they make you happy. This won't work! It will feel forced! You need to change your reasoning and your values. You need to realize that some of these things aren't as important as the weight you are giving them. You may need to relax. You may need to let go of life.
I recommend finding a park and laying out in the grass and staring at the clouds for one hour, once a week. Ask yourself, "What is really important in life?" Making a living so you can eat, yes. Having a woman? No. That's a bad perspective because it means you are basing your happiness in something that someone else has to give you. The only person you can rely on to make you happy is yourself, and it is done by creating a new perspective lens to see the world, through which everything you observe feels calm, happy, or peaceful.
What about being happy about having good grades, basing your value off your academic performance? Still, bad. People get burnt out, people slip. You can't pressure yourself all the time to be perfect. Because when that doesn't happen, your perspective that was causing your happiness to hinge on it, breaks. All you really need out of life is to eat and sleep and have a roof over your head, that's all that's absolutely necessary. And it's relatively easy to achieve, at least for anyone here. Obviously you're doing well enough to afford a way to connect with us through the internet, so you can afford to eat I hope. 
I'm babbling again, but... the point is, find a way to derive happiness, from things that you will have forever, or to just appreciate everything that comes your way, be it good or bad. Find a perspective that doesn't depend on any one thing or one person to make you happy. YOU are the one who ultimately declares what sources of stimuli make you happy. You have to find the perspective. I've only given you a starting place. Seriously, go out in a field and think about this.
Remember, what you need to do is choose the proper sources of stimuli that will make you happy. Right now you're saying "Well I've got a good girlfriend", which translates to, "I'm designating my girlfriend to be the source of my happiness." You're giving her an obligation she may not be ready for. Or, "I make good grades", meaning, "I'm designating my academic performance as a source of happiness". Can you always make good grades? What happens when you just can't learn something? When a class really sucks? When you get sick, or for some other reason beyond your control, you miss class and your grades suffer? You're putting an obligation on yourself that you might not be able to keep up with. Hell, even saying "As long as these things are true, I can still say I have a good life," is meaning, "I'm designating all these sources as my sources of happiness, so as long as the sources I've chosen are consistent, I'll be happy." But no! That doesn't work either, because no source is consistent!
Fortunately for me, I can do this thing where I can say, "Praying to God puts me at peace." Which really is saying, "I'm designating the act of prayer as something that will make me peaceful." You know what's nice about that? I can always pray, and no one can stop me. For a lot of people, this doesn't work, because they say "praying doesn't get anything accomplished in the real world, my prayers are never answered, it seems useless," sure. But that's their perspective and what they want out of it. My perspective is, the act of praying in itself is a meditation process, and I like taking time out not to think about the world. THAT is the source of my peace. So as long as I can actually get myself away from distraction, I DO find that peace, because I put it there. Because I'm getting out of prayer exactly what I put into it. I also have the perspective (and you're welcome to copy or reject) that I will NOT make "consistent results from my sources of happiness" a source of happiness! So when the shit hits the fan, it doesn't make me sad either. Shit happens, and I've accepted it. Because I haven't put pressure on reality to perform for me consistently, by making it my source of happiness.
So your "center" that you wish to find, is wherever you want to put it. Your happiness is in whatever source you wish to designate getting it from. You are far more in control of your life and your emotions than you think you are, as long as you remember that you are choosing where your happiness comes from.
Watch "I <3 Huckabees" and "Neon Genesis" (skip to episodes 25 and 26, but realize the main character, Shinji, is a huge IW with inconfidence issues). These might help.
--RedSeraph 10:59, 13 July 2006 (PDT)
