Airborn86's Irregular one-itis
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Dlusion
This is my friend's story of one-itis with a girl that wanted him but had a bf and he wouldn't settle for anything less than a relationship.
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Hi there.
Well im new at this, but any help would be appreciated.
I am a 19 year old guy living in Sweden. There is this really good friend of mine who I really like, but she has a boy friend who lives on the other side of the world!
As I said we are really good friends. Ive gone out with her many times and last friday we were at a disco where she got drunk and was hugging me and kissing my cheek the whole night. Even when she is sober she shows signs which make me believe she kinda likes me. She said that being with me is the second best place in earth she would rather be.
The only thing stopping me is that she already has a boyfriend. I don't even understand why she is together with him if they never even see eachother. If she wouldn't have a boyfriend I would have made my move a long time ago, but the fact that she does have a boyfriend makes me weaker and thus never allowing me to make my move. Im afraid that if I finally do make my move I will lose a really great friend and I really don't want to happen, plus her boyfriend is this mega tall dude with a really athletic body, whearas I am tall enough and have an average body size, but nothing amazing.
What should I do to be able to gain her heart?
As far as I know they have been together for almost 2 years now and they see eachother like 3 times a year. Either she travels to him or he comes here.
Hi all,
I am not sure if you remember me, but like 1 month ago I posted a thread about this girl who I really liked and we were like best friends, but she had a boyfriend who lives in CANADA! I also mentioned that we went to a disco and she was all over me trying to make out with me and stuff (of course she was drunk).
Well yesterday there was a private party at her cousins house, who is by the way a good friend of min, and she obviously was there. Since she doesn't live in my town, she didn't know anyone at the party so I started hanging out with her for the rest of the night. We went to the porch and countinued on drinking and smoking a water pipe. Then she started doing excatly what she did 1 month ago, starting to touch me and try to find my lips to kiss. Yet again I tried to avoid her regarding she already had a boyfriend. We were still hugging eachother though and talking about the upcomming senior prom which she obviosuly said she wants to go with me.
Later on that night the alcohol started kicking in to her and I start taking care of her. She then takes me into a room where we sit down on the bed and just look at eachother. Then I just couldn't take it anymore and we started making out. After about 30 seconds I pulled back and did what my heart was against. I told her straight out something like this: "Listen, I really like you and you mean a lot to me. I also had a feeling all along that you feel the same way for me, but be logical, you have a boyfriend and you have the duty to be loyal to him, so I really don't know what you want to do, it's really up to you." She then didn't answer and got up and left the room. Im not sure if I hurt her because she kind of got rejected. I later found out that she was feeling bad and was puking all over the backyard. Two of her girlfriends who were with her that night starting assisting her. I then started feeling so bad for her and tried to help her in any way but then her friends told me that I should better leave the room and let them take care of her because the last thing she would want is for me to see her like that. So I left and started hanging out with my usual friend as if nothing happend. Every 15 minutes or so I sneeked in to the room to see how she was doing but there was no sign of her waking up. After about 2 hours she started moving in the bed and I sat next to her to confort her. She then had a big smile on her face and pulled me into the bed with her and asked me to stay with her that night. I couldn't say no since she sounded as she really needed me and no one else was paying any attention to her. So I stayed and she was all over me again and we endend up sleeping together.
This morning I woke up before her and I brought her a glass of water and told her I would have to leave soon. She then got up and we had breakfast along with her cousin. She then turned back into just being a good friend, almost as if yesterday never happend. Later she started saying that she and her boyfriend would go to Spain in summer to take a spanish course and that she really was looking forward to that. This obviously got me really confused and I then told her I was leaving.
On my way back to my house I was constantly thinking about what happend and what I should do. I know she likes me, not only because she was all over me but I also got it confirmed by her friends. So here I am, not knowing what to do. My heart wants me to take here but my mind is telling me to stay back since she isn't being loyal to her boyfriend which means she probably won't be loyal to me in the future.
Im really confused and I don't know what to do. I would appreciate any help conserning this matter.
there i said i was going to leave her after the advice they told me but i didn't i did talk to her though about the fact that nothing will be between us as long as she has a bf. i havent seen her in 2 months because i went to argentina, but now im back and she called me up to go to a party tomorrow, shes going to spain in 5 days till beggining of september and im going to new york on the 4th of sept till the 11th. but she might get a job and decide to stay there if not.. she will come back.. and stay a while longer then eventually mover with her boyfriend in another town in spain cause he is going to study spanigh in villadolid fucker i hope he dies
on other notes, hes gotten handjobs,fingered her, etc, no sex in my personal opinion he has one-itis, with a girl that wants FWB from him, and he doesnt want to settle for anything but the whole package but im not sure how that would work in ladder theory terms.
Mr Tenenbaum
Any situation where a guy is asking about one girl for the sake of that girl specifically, and not for his game in general (i.e. for this girl AND other girls) then he's got one-itis. This guy clearly does.
Quote: What should I do to be able to gain her heart?
He's got to understand that he's in a lose-lose situation if he's thinking like this. He's going to end up pushing her further away.
Quote:
The only thing stopping me is that she already has a boyfriend. I don't even understand why she is together with him if they never even see eachother. If she wouldn't have a boyfriend I would have made my move a long time ago, but the fact that she does have a boyfriend makes me weaker and thus never allowing me to make my move.
Tell him to think about it this way: She has a boyfriend, but they barely see each other, and she's got "female needs" just like every other girl. She needs someone to handle them. If he isn't railing her from behind every Friday night, someone else will. Convince him of this. Make him use it as a source of motivation.
Quote: Im afraid that if I finally do make my move I will lose a really great friend and I really don't want to happen, plus her boyfriend is this mega tall dude with a really athletic body, whearas I am tall enough and have an average body size, but nothing amazing.
He needs to snap out of that shit immediately. Work with him on his confidence and convince him that he's a kick ass guy. Height and body size matter to an extent, but it's more about his attitude towards life and girls in general.
Quote: After about 30 seconds I pulled back and did what my heart was against. I told her straight out something like this: "Listen, I really like you and you mean a lot to me. I also had a feeling all along that you feel the same way for me, but be logical, you have a boyfriend and you have the duty to be loyal to him, so I really don't know what you want to do, it's really up to you."
This wasn't the best of moves.. at all.. but I'll keep the focus on what to do next. He's already told her his feelings, so he can try to use that to his advantage. He needs to make a point of coming off as a little distant, careless, and very confident whenever he's around her in future interactions. He needs to appear suddenly less available to her.
To do this he'll need to forget the fact that she's such a good friend and blah blah blah.. She should get the feeling that he's messing around with someone else. It would be even better if she saw him around other girls, etc. In fact, he really SHOULD be messing around with other girls.. but I have a feeling he wouldn't go for that.
She'll still think she can have him, because, well, he told her so. She'll feel that if she works hard for him she can get him to feel as strongly as he did before.
Once she takes the bait and starts "working" for it, he should keep her teetering between validation and rejection, and he HAS to fuck her before he talks to her with any molecule of sincerity about his true feelings for her. From that position, assuming he doesn't fuck this up by going all soft and wimpy on her at some stage of the process, he should beable to steer the situation towards whatever he wants.. exclusive relationship, friends with benefits, whatever.
Billydee2.0
He did fuck-up, but I don't think he's fucked.
She obviously wants to upgrade to the original poster. Every time she is drunk, she is doing nuclear-level KINO. She HELPS him isolate her. And then makes-out with him for 30 minutes. When she starts to sober-up, does she run out of the room and deny her drunken actions? No. Instead, she smiles & is happy that he's still there, giving her water & helping w/ her (obvious) hangover.
But then the guy fucking shoots himself in the foot by being uber-moral. He says they cannot hook-up as long as she has a BF.
Is he technically correct? Yes. Is he sexually, tacticaly, and strategically an idiot? Yes.
dlusion Tell your friend this....
She talks about her BF as an ASD---Anti-Slut Defense. She feels guilty that she has a BF in Canada that is half a world away. She doesn't have the moral strength to break up with him (i.e., be honest, temporarliy crush his heart (until he finds another girl), and be free of him). So INSTEAD, she TELLS your friend about the boyfriend, but yet continues to flirt with your friend. If your friend makes a move & consumates the relationship, she can rationalize to herself that HE is the bad guy for breaking her up w/ her BF in Canada--not HER.
Tell your friend to stop being the moral police. Let's face it.....if SHE had issues or problems with hooking up with him, then SHE would be the one to stop b/c she had a boyfriend. But instead, she didn't. SHE was the one pushing the intimate relationship. If your friend didn't hook-up with her, then somebody else would have instead..
When a female throws herself sexually at you (assuming she isn't underage, etc.), and you find her somewhat attractive....do not ask WHY, do not question her about her REASONING, do not hypothesize about your FUTURE with her. She's already figured all of that out and rationalized those issues within her own mind.
Just Do It.
Wrap yourslef up, of course. Use a condom and/or insist that she is on birth control. But you still need to do it.
Mr Tenenbaum
Absolutely. I love seeing examples of ASD's in action, especially when they trip somebody up. Everyone should read dlusion's post and really analyze what's going on here. He's trapped in a distorted reality where he needs to "gain her heart" because of a bad case of one-itis.
Quote: Tell your friend to stop being the moral police. Let's face it.....if SHE had issues or problems with hooking up with him, then SHE would be the one to stop b/c she had a boyfriend.
Dlusion, you need to make your friend really understand this if you want him to succeed. Put it in perspective for him, because he probably can't put it in perspective on his own. Billydee's post was gold. Think about this: how would your friend react to a girl with a boyfriend who was coming on to him if he wasn't emotionally attached to her? He would fuck the shit out of her without thinking twice. The only reason he's letting the "I have a boyfriend, I feel bad" bullshit phase him is because he's got an emotional attachment which he shouldn't have in the first place. Why get attached to a girl who he hasn't even dated yet? That's a sure recipe for disaster.
He can work through this. I really don't think he's fucked at all. She's obviously got the sexual attraction for him. I do think he'll have to gain some respect back from her before he fucks her, though, but that's easy, just make her chase a little and stop obsessing over her. And for god's sake.. he needs to stop telling her how he feels. At least for a few months.
Airborn86
Hi everyone, by the way...I am dlusion's friend...the one who this whole thread is about.
Couple of points. First of all, yes, I do regret the fact that I turned her down, but there was a reason to this. She was always a reallly really good friend and she always used to tell me how she loved her boyfriend and shit like that.....so when that night came, I felt guilty that I might do something that she might later regret and thus ruin a great friendship, which is better than not seeing her at all. If it would be a normal girl, I wouldn't fucking care and yes, I would fuck her brains out and end up hooking up with her, but as I said, it was different with this girl. Now yes, I did a mistake and I regret it, but even so, I don't think the story would have been different if I would have kept my mouth shut. I mean, after all, I think what we ended up doing in bed later on that night compinsated for the fucked up moral things I told her.
Ok, now that was past history. Question is, what happens now. We had a talk about 3 months ago when I tried to make another move. We actually were in her cousin's house where the last story took place. What happend was that she was sitting on my lap and we were just having a normal chat and we ended up just hugging eachother for like 2 minutes without each one of us saying a word, all that cute stuff. Then I started kissing her on her neck, cheek.....but she didn't respond. I then realized something was wrong and she told me: "Hey we have to talk about this." Then she yet again said that she really really loved her boyfriend and that she sees me as a really great friend but nothing more. So obviously she has no more, even the slightest feelings she used to have for me. That was the last time I saw her until last night.
Last night.....I went to her town with a bunch of friends and we met up with her and her friends. My friends ended up going to a disco where the girls didn't want to go so I was left alone with 3 really hot chicks, with one of them being the girl we are talking about, let's say her name is Jessica. There was like this huge festival at her town and we walked holding hands ocassionaly and having our hands around eachother's waist, all friendly. Then we went to the disco where my friends were and ended up dancing until like 2. Then she said she had to go home since she is working today. She was going to take the bus but I offered my services and drove her home<---- (is this being to nice? maybe I could have said fuck it and let her take the bus at 2 in the damn morning). Anyways on the way we talked about her upcoming trip to spain and my trip to New York. Oh, I forgot to mention that she is also a model and the 2nd of september she is competing for the title of miss earth sweden and she really wants me to go.....hmm, howcome? Anyways, when we were gettting close to her house, her mobile rang. Now who the fuck calls her att 2 in the morning when she alreday told all her friends she is going home. What' s the time difference between Vancouver and Sweden? Obviously it was her boyfriend. She really seemed entertained since she was laughing and smiling the whole time whole time while talking to him. When we finally arrived, she hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and thanked me for the ride and told me to call her later on. Another failiure.
So as you see, obviously there are no feelings involved on her side, or she is just playing hard ball, which in my case is hard to believe. Today, I feel like shit. I don't know why each time I see her I feel like shit the days following it. I even have problems eating because of this.....that's really fucked up. Maybe a good idea would be to a bit more distant, not see her too often or call her 2-3 times a week so it won't be too obvious to her that I really like her. Maybe I can turn down her proposal of going to that miss earth sweden final. But yet again, that might result bad since I tried the same technique by not going to her high school graduation, she came to mine btw, which upset her a bit.
Well...what do I do now then? She loves her boyfriend, she has no feelings for me (I think), I am trying to get her back, she sees me as a really great friend.....Any suggestions for what I should do next time we meet?
By the way, I was thinking....how would it help if I would talk to one of her girlfriends? I know one of them very well and we are good friends. That way, I can get really vital information. Only thing that worries me is that se will rat me out...can she be trusted?
Thx again.
Airborn86
Flame
Dude just face it. You fucked it up. This girl threw herself in your arms and you fucking slapped on the face with a bat by basically saying "You have a bf. Stop acting like a slut and GTFO."
Jesus dude, do you understand what it means when a girl who's already in a serious relationship makes the first move like she did? She's basically ignoring the SCREAMING warnings of her ASD, all these voices telling her that she's a slut, she's not being loyal, etc., and she's showing you she's interested.
Instead of taking the pass and running for the touchdown asap so she wouldn't have to stress out anymore, you pretty much REMINDED her how much of a slut she's acting like. You fucking LECTURED for god's sake -_-
No wonder she's locked up and is totally acting like she has no more feelings for you. She backwards rationalized it already as she never did feel those things for you, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, and you are officially history.
Next time, when a girl reveals herself like you, you fuckin take control asap.
And NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER say "Ok, let's be logical about this" because guess what? Women don't act based on logic, they act based on emotion. She was following her emotions when she made a move on you, and you fucking threw a bucket of ice water all over it and snapped her back into "logical" reality.
You pretty much fucked it up. Forget her. Go fuck other chicks.
