IW/IW Paradox
From Ladder Wiki
by themuz
First, I would like to make the statement that this theory is not approved by the whole IW.com community, but it is something I strongly believe in, so I felt the need for an article was great. For information on how some of the forum members think about the topic of a Female IW, either visit that article or check out the IW.com forums.
Second, here are my thoughts (compiled with a few thoughts from Billydee) on what I have declared the IW/IW Paradox:
(Note that at times this article may have a conversational feel to it. This is because it has been compiled from posts within a forum, and while I have attempted to make it appear as an article, some points are best described in a coversational tone.)
I think it is very realistic that some (but certainly not all) IW/IP relationships started out IW/IW relationships, where the girl actually WAS interested, but in the end winds up feeling rejected due to IW male's lack of ability to 'read between the lines'. I don't know about you, but every time I reject a girl, she USUALLY (unless she is so far down on my ladder that the disparity is ENORMOUS) won't come crawling back - and if the guy went crawling back to HER instead, she would just reject him and return the favor, thereby causing the formerly IW/IW relationship (in which the male IW didn't even know he had a chance with her due to his own ineptitude) to turn into an IW/IP relationship.
I think my theory is relatively solid. Doesn't exactly mean it happens in EVERY IW/IP relationship, but probably more often than your average male IW would think it does. Read the following quote (edited for article clarity and length) from Billydee:
How many times has a girl told you something like, "Yeah, I had a big crush on you like two years ago....." And then you think to yourself, "Bitch! Why didn't you TELL ME!?" Well, either it was because you sucked at reading body language and picking up the clues, or because she was so timid that she didn't even broadcast anything.
People who lack confidence with the opposite sex react differently than normal people because of their hyper-fear of rejection. Normally, the higher up a person is on your ladder, the more you make clear to them that you like them[ - often through supplication]. But because they almost have a clinical phobia of rejection, insecure people will sometimes AVOID showing their feelings. After all, if you never make a move you'll never be rejected by [your target of attraction], right? So, these people end up waiting months and months to observe every little detail to decipher whether or not the other person likes them and even THEN only ask the person out if there is a 90% chance or higher that the answer is, "yes."
People only take risks if they perceive that the potential benefit is worth more than the potential cost. Normal people will only ask out two types of people---relatively new strangers where the person is an unknown quantity, and people that they have harbored deep-crushes for months. The first group is a lower-yield transaction--you might not end up liking her/she liking you, but at least you haven't invested that much time or emotional energy on them. The second group is higher-yield---you know for sure that you like that person, but you have already invested tons of time and emotional energy into the, "research effort." If they reject you, it's that much more devastating. Most normal people decide to go w/ option #1 and roll with the punches. The major benefit to option #1 vs. option #2 is you get to have sex with the person while you're deciding whether you like each other. Option #2 forces you to observe from afar--perhaps even being forced to witness THEM hooking up with somebody else.
But insecure people perceive rejection as something bigger than it really is--so in order for the insecure to agree to risk rejection, the perceived benefit must be that much higher. To these people, even the *little* rejection they get if they ask out some random stranger feels HUGE to them. They lack perspective, and thus go into hyper-risk avoidance thinking it will cure their problem. Of course, it won't because all they end up doing is coddling their fragile egos in the short-term and typically setting themselves up for a BIG fall/rejection in the end because:
- 1) The higher on the ladder, the more painful the rejection.
- 2) The longer the wait, the more likely it is that the window [themuz note: see Window Corollary] (if ever open), is now closed, and
- 3) The higher on the ladder, the more likely the guy will act IWish and kill his chances even if he does manage to go out w/ her once or twice.
Plus, people who do the #2 option also miss out on all of the possible quality people that they WOULD have gotten to meet if they did more of the #1 option of asking more people out quicker. That's because while they are fixated on one person, they typically have blinders on that prevent them from seeing their options.
Hence, The Hopper Method. It makes people more secure b/c they know they have options. It forces them to not have blinders on. It forces them to practice flirting w/ people and putting them into the Hopper.
Now that we have established what the mindset of a timid individual is (a very common mindset, believe it or not, you may actually have this mindset - you may or may not be aware of it), let us delve deeper into what I call the IW/IW Paradox.
Let's start with a hypothetical situation. Two individuals. We will use a male and a female for this example, but it could be of any orientation, really. That is irrelevant.
Let me describe to you our male subject. He is a relatively attractive male. He is good at his job, confident in his everyday life, except in one department... Attracting women. He chokes up. He doesn't REALLY know what makes them tick. He thinks that being nice is a great way to get the woman of your dreams. He may also believe in true love. He probably thinks if the woman is right for him, he will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she likes him, and it will proceed naturally from there.
Now, let me describe to you our female subject. She is a relatively attractive female. Good at her job, competent in all aspects of her life, except in one department...
Need I even say any more on these two? Do you see the pattern? Common misconceptions on what makes humans tick. If you like someone and you WANT them, you have to GET them. Listen to me right now, before I get deeper into the Paradox - if you want something, you have to GET it. Nothing comes free. A free lunch is a bad thing, it never truly is FREE, there is always a cost, so make sure YOU are getting what YOU want, not someone else's leftovers.
That said, we will continue our situation between our male and female subjects.
The two meet at work (a very common scenario for an IW/IW Paradox to be found). Common because fucking up with a coworker makes work (which most people hate anyway) even worse than before; but, people STILL use work as a primary means of snagging a member of the opposite sex, an idea that I still can't quite wrap my head around to this day... Remember, don't shit where you eat, or in this case, where you work. It will save you time and money. Instead, be their friends, and use them to meet other people. Back to the scenario:
They are both initially attracted to each other. 'Wow, she's a cutie,' he thinks. 'Wow, he might be a catch!' she thinks.
She expresses interest, probably in the form of asking him questions about where he is from, his family, his past girlfriends, what he does for fun... Anything to get conversation started and to get a feel for what he is like outside of work. He, being a complete idiot when it comes to women, sees this and thinks, 'Maybe she likes me, I should ask her to (insert IW date idea here)' It takes him a while to build up the minimal balls it takes to get this girl to go to IW-date-location (to which she may be building up attraction even more to him due to his apparent lack of interest), which she is blissfully happy about (but doing the girl thing of acting cool about it, maybe even feigning disinterest).
Then comes the 'date'. Our male friend here is being very nice to her, some IWish tendencies may be coming out, but she doesn't care cause she thinks he's a pretty cool guy, a 'catch'.. But she starts thinking to herself, 'Does he like me or is he just being a fun coworker, going out with his coworkers to promote work unity? I can't tell! I'd look like an idiot if I made it obvious that I liked him if he didn't like me back..' She proceeds to play girlish games with the flirting, making it even more vague than before in the hopes that she isn't going to look like an idiot after this little get-together is through. Standard, timid individual.
He is thinking, throughout the course of the night, 'Does she like me, or is she just being a fun coworker? She MIGHT be flirting, but it's so vague I can't be 90% sure, and I'd look like an idiot if I make some stupid move and she rejects me.. DAMNIT, I just can't tell!' So he continues to do the same thing he has been doing, IW dating protocol, not taking it any further than his comfort zone with girls will allow. Not building up attraction. Not really building up comfort, because when he does build a little up, he tries to get himself to make an awkward move and it defeats all of the comfort he has created. Standard, timid individual.
They finish up their IW-date, and both actually had fun, but are confused as to whether the other likes them or not.
This may go on for months, perhaps. Nothing is ever accomplished in terms of getting these two to fuck (or be in a relationship, whatever their goal is), because they are both being overly cautious and not wanting to screw anything up, until it becomes a classic scenario, too far gone, and now is in need of a good NEXT incident to clear it up - to hit the 'reset' button, so to speak. This leads to potential IWdom of the male, since the girl eventually will lose interest in him... Perhaps she felt rejected after their first date, or a date further down the road, and will now pay him back by realizing he is not worth the time she invests. Or maybe there is always that spot in the back of her head, teasing her, 'Is he flirting with you? OMG I CAN'T TELL! He must just be a good friend who feels a connection enough to be open with me now and then.' This would cause her to be his IW, all the while he is HER IW because he can't force himself to make a move.
Sexual tension is never built enough to get these two to fuck (or even kiss, for that matter), because they are both overly careful with their actions.
Note how the Window Corollary falls right into place with this theory, with the window opening for the male on days when the female is feeling particularly spunky, or the male has actually done something right and she is being swept up by his accidental charm. Billydee has a few things to say about getting through when the window opens, or making the open window happen with more frequency:
- 1) [Improve] Outer & Inner Game to make the guy more attractive. This means get a haircut, shave, buy clothes that are a bit more stylish, go to the gym, develop a hobby/skill that you are good at, generally grow your confidence. By doing this, girls who normally wouldn't put you on their good ladder might, and alternatively, girls who already have you on their good ladder will now put you higher. This creates the likelyhood of higher ladder disparity in your favor--resulting in more frequent open windows, and windows that stay open for a longer period of time.
- 2) Recognizing when a window is open or closed---AND whether the window is closed b/c it just hasn't opened YET, or have you already missed the opportunity [two distinctly different situations. How often will you keep a window open if it smells like shit outside? However, if you don't know it smells like shit outside, you'll have a greater likelihood of opening. DON'T FUCK UP, GUYS. Take your chance when it is given]. This ability doesn't increase the number of women who are into you--it simply allows you to be more efficient at recognizing opportunity when it's staring you right in the face in the first place.
- 3) Not freezing when you see an open window presented to you. Many guys over-rationalize things so when a girl opens her window, even when he SEES IT open, he doesn't have the balls to climb through. The fact is, if the GIRL opens HER window to you, nothing else matters. She has already rationalized that this is what she wants. Many guys freeze and claim it was due to, "morals," because they want to, "treat her respectfully," etc. Most of this is subconscious bullshit that they think to cover up the fact that they had no sack to man-up and climb through the window even when given a clear green-light. If anything, not climbing through the window after it's been presented is INSULTING, not "respectful." As [ themuz ] mentioned, it's a form of rejection, and the woman often times will shut her window permanently out of embarassment--and might even shut you out as, "payback," even if you do make it clear later that you like her.
Ahh, it looks like our couple is at the start of a beautiful-yet-tragic friendship, huh?
Not so. It results in a semi-perpetual IW/IW relationship, one that on the outside either looks like friendship or an IW/IP situation. Neither is actually the case - what you often will have is an IW/IW relationship, where the actual "IP" is both of the individuals' fear of humiliation and both secretly harbor the desire to be with the other one.
Like I said before, this is not how ALL IW/IP relationships start, but definitely some. I do believe we have all witnessed the above scenario. The only thing that held the two apart was their fear of rejection and humiliation. An ego is only in your head - if it gets damaged, it can be repaired easily. But, to miss out on an opportunity like this, just to save something made-up in your head? The logic baffles me... I find that to be an awful waste of attraction between two people.
Remember: Fear is the mind-killer.
themuz 08:45, 24 August 2006 (PDT)
